5Word...White's Night Out

After having spent three days and nights hoovering up monkey dust and gargling Jack Daniels, Trevor White wasn’t so sure that the two hits of acid he had taken was proving to be such a brilliant idea.  He was pretty sure his attorney, Jenna Stanfield wouldn’t think so, especially since their upcoming dinner meeting was intended to be all business this time rather than pleasure.

Worn and looking for some reassurance, Trevor found himself trying to catch the eye of his chauffeur in the rear view mirror. Felix, his long time friend and handler finally peered back at White as he hunched over the wheel and anxiously clenched his jaw.

“What the fuck Trev.” Felix asked the mirror. “You doing okay back there?”

Trevor sighed and slumped back into the soft interior of the stretch. He slowly rolled his eyes back into his head but was quick to open them again when he found a troupe of neon colored squirrels dressed as cowboys square dancing behind his eyelids. He wiped at his brow distractedly and realized that his face felt a bit like chilled cookie dough. Glancing up again, he saw that Felix was still fretfully assessing his condition in the rear view.

“Aw fuck me sideways mate”, Trevor offered. “I’m feeling about as steady as two Rhinos having sex in a gondola.”

In no mood for a laugh Felix just grumbled and angrily and shifted his massive frame again in the driver’s seat. He hated feeling pissed off and on edge, and on this particular binge he’d already had seventy two hours of both. As the limo continued to hurtle down Broadway he fought off the urge to tear the steering wheel out of the dash.

“What did you expect you’d feel like, you fucking pillock?” Felix’s reflection growled. “Packin’ your daft self full of coke and hallucinogens like some brainless git. Christ!”

Trevor smiled at his friend’s reprimand as he intently watched a cascade of bluish flames swirl smoothly over the back of his hands.  He was suddenly aware that the limo’s headliner was looking as high as the ceiling in Grand Central Station and that his sense of hunger had morphed into the form of an intestinal Barry Manilow who was now loudly singing at him to go eat. Attempting to speak, it felt like his voice was coming from out of his finger nails in a freakishly tight harmony.

“Good thing Jenna planned a dinner meeting Fee, I’m definitely feeling a bit peckish”.

“Yeah, well you better have some of Mama’s special pig farmer’s soup right away then.” Felix replied firmly as he brought the limo to a gliding stop in front of Mama Woo’s of Chinatown. “Hopefully it will help get the kinks out of you, you fecking sod! I’m sure Ms. Stanfield won’t mind scanning the menu while you’re having a wee bite.”

“Remind me,” Trevor said as he stumbled out of the stretch and gave Felix’s oversize neck an affectionate squeeze. “I need to get Jenna to file and injunction for me.”

“Okay, sure boss.” Felix mumbled to his charge indulgently. “What for?”

At the restaurant door White paused to look up at his friend and gave him a shaky grin. To Trevor White Felix was now looking like some huge benevolent baboon clad in a leather vest and orange jodhpurs.

 “Fuck me sideways mate. After these last few days I think I seriously need a fucking court order to keep me away from myself.”

Felix had now morphed into looking like a mutant elephant wearing a turban and sunglasses. He paused to nod his agreement as the restaurant door swung shut behind them.

“Bloody good idea if you ask me.” He mumbled to himself as Trevor wandered off looking for Jenna.